The following is from a sister in Christ who was brought out of deep darkness to God:
I grew up in a secular home where there was lots of love but also dysfunction, abuse, and no talk of God. I was raised pretty much by pop culture, secular music, and Hollywood. My mom watched Oprah and my sister and I spent hours in front of the television. God was not spoken of.
As a teenager I developed mental health issues — depression, anxiety, mania, self-harm, binge drinking, anorexia, and bulimia. I was sexually assaulted twice in high school and became promiscuous when I got to college. I’d also had thoughts of being gay from a young age, and at 19 I began to “explore” my sexuality and started dating women.
I never considered myself the type of person who would get involved with drugs. I was a “good” kid (or so I thought), smart, got good grades, and I was afraid of the kids in high school who did drugs. Alcohol, I had a problem with, but drugs scared me. When I look back at what happened, I honestly don’t know how drugs snuck into the picture. I never got heavily involved in them, but somehow trying pot in college led to trying MDMA and ecstasy in my 20’s, which led to trying LSD and mushrooms, all of which I did a handful of times. Cocaine crept in there as well, for a couple of months. I didn’t like pot and never made a habit of it, but I’d smoke it here and there. I never considered myself a “drug user” — I thought drug users were regular users, or junkies, or people who loved drugs and couldn’t live without them. None of that applied to me.
But between occasional “party drugs”, heavy drinking, daily cigarette smoking, and abusing food (binge eating and bulimia), I was not a sober person. All of this coincided with my gay lifestyle, which I took great pride in. I was an LGBTQ activist, and while I do believe God has been doing something with the LGBTQ issue this past generation — I’m not sure what, but I think it has something to do with lessening the damage from violent homophobia — I was certainly in enemy territory without knowing it. I thought I was fighting the good fight, but today I see how the wool was pulled over my eyes.
I had various mental health issues, lived in total dysfunction, and amidst all this, decided it would be a good idea to become a prostitute. The year was 2010, and I was graduating from a top university. Despite my education, my feminist ideas led me to conclude that being a high-class escort was a really smart way to “screw the man” (literally). I remember being influenced by a Lady Gaga video, which somehow programmed me to see escorting as a creative act of “liberation”. I can’t explain this; I just know that times were dark and twisted.
So I went down the rabbit hole of prostitution, and that’s when things got really dark. My personal sex life became even more twisted, with group sex and BDSM. I tried to lessen the impact of prostitution by doing web-camming instead, and somehow that was even darker. I attempted suicide that year and was saved by a total miracle — I had consumed half of the substances that were going to kill me, and I became afraid and left my apartment. I knocked on my neighbors’ door and asked them for help. They sat me down at their kitchen table, but when they got up and left briefly (maybe to call the police), I changed my mind and fled their apartment to return to mine and finish the job. But when I got to my apartment, my door, which I hadn’t locked, had somehow locked itself and I couldn’t go back in to finish what I started. I ran outside and hid in the bushes, where the paramedics found me and took me to the hospital. I was there for three days recovering from poisoning, and I was “lucky” to have survived.
Around this time I started seeing a counselor who put me on a spiritual path, but her idea of spirituality was that “all paths lead to God”. She encouraged me to do Buddhist meditation, affirmations, and — the real clincher — witchcraft. Witchcraft sounds extremely sinister, and it is. But I was never led into it with goblins and cauldrons. Witchcraft was and still is being presented as a female-friendly, “earth-based” form of spirituality that is gentle and “nature-loving”. I was taught to go into the forest and commune with trees, and that casting spells was never meant to be done maliciously, but always for the good of others — it all appealed to my childhood sensibility as a little girl who liked to play in the forest and believe in fairies. It seems innocent, except that it’s completely demonic. It’s the kind of activity that Satan laughs about because it’s so easy to persuade the godless into.
I pursued psychotherapy, manifestation (aka the law of attraction), and “alternative spirituality” as means of healing from my trauma. I learned in therapy that my childhood had been traumatic. My mother was narcissistic and my father emotionally negligent. I have early memories of sexual abuse. I was impacted by political trauma. Again, Satan laughs at the brokenhearted, because if God is not in the picture, it’s too easy for the enemy to get in and have his way. Although God is always there, if he’s denied or lied about by the antichrist spirit (as he is in a godless home), it’s easy to believe that he’s not.
I used witchcraft to jumpstart an acting career. I had always loved theater and been naturally gifted at it. However (this is something I’m currently praying about), as much as I love the art form, acting is quite bound up with occult practices. From method acting, to “channeling” one’s character, to yoga and meditation techniques, it’s hard for me to sort out now what is “safe” to do within the craft of acting. I went through professional training and got involved in Hollywood and the film and television industry (which I’m now convinced is dominated by Satan). I became severely bulimic, and, seeking help, ended up in a 12 Step program.
I believe that was a major turning point in my life. Since coming to Christ, I’ve stepped away from the 12 Step program because I realize now that it’s tied with false religion. But I believe that the program opens the door for one to find God. The program is not overtly Christian but it has a Christian history, and it teaches people to search for a Higher Power. It taught me to get on my knees and pray and begin to seek him. I believe that since I first prayed, “God, whoever you are, I turn my life over to you,” God has been working in my life.
Things began to change. I quit smoking, drinking, and partying. Sex work became less and less of an option until I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I drifted away from the LGBTQ community and ceased my promiscuity (indeed it had only ever been fueled by alcohol). My focus became more selfless and I pursued good goals, according to my values at the time.
I wasn’t attending church, but I believe I met Jesus in the basement of a church. I knew who he was in my heart, and I knew he was there. But I spent the next seven years in confusion because no one explicitly talks about Jesus Christ in the 12 Step program. It’s left “non-religious” so that people are free to find God on their own terms. I did briefly check out a church, but I found the environment rather buttoned-up. I figured I was “too much” for them. So, after struggling again with bulimia, I returned to the 12 Step program.
I could hear Christ calling me. I wondered who in the program was Christian, but again, you’re not allowed to talk about it. There are countless people in the 12 Step program who are sober after decades, and still are on the fence about God and just remain “open”, or they belong to other religions. I guess it’s not my business what their journey is, but I came to a point where I needed to name and claim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
The turning point came in 2019. I was seeking God, but I still had this idea that God could be accessed by any means. I live in a very new-age city, and new age was normal. I was an avid yoga practitioner. I meditated. I saw “energy healers” and acupuncturists as part of my regular health routine. I “manifested” and used vision boards. I would throw on a guided meditation and consult angels without even thinking about it. I would align my chakras and do EFT. If someone wanted to read my horoscope or give me a tarot card reading, I’d say, “Sure.” I never thought any of these things were bad.
I was a fan of Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles. I followed Gabrielle Bernstein and Marie Forleo. I thought these were godly people because they had good values, I thought, and were seeking enlightenment, like I was. I truly believed that I was walking the high way, not knowing that I was on the highway to destruction.
Because of my openness to everything, I didn’t consider it bad when someone suggested “plant medicine”, aka ayahuasca, to me. I was drawn to shamanism because I thought it could offer me healing. The thought of doing ayahuasca made me nervous, but I had been struggling consistently with bulimia, and a friend of mine from the 12 Step program told me that “plant medicine” was healing her. Indeed, there is a movement now, spurred by Dr. Gabor Maté, championing “plant medicine” (ayahuasca and iboga) as a cure for addiction. “Plant medicine” is deeply occult — it is an ancient tradition used in the Amazon and to this day will not usually be administered without much ceremony and a shamanic ritual. Ayahuasca is not something that people are doing casually as a party drug (which in itself would be dangerous), but it is treated as sacred and gone into with initiation.
I did it, and I experienced pure hell. I won’t get into what happened, but suffice it to say I discovered that hell is extremely real (and it’s worse than you can imagine). I saw the underbelly of the unholy spiritual world, and I’m here to tell you that it is Satanic. The next morning, I got on my knees and confessed the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, for no other reason than pure fear. I knew hell was real, and so I knew Jesus had to be real. I didn’t know more than that, and I didn’t need to. I said to God, “God, I’ve been wrong — I’m not sure about what, but I’ve been wrong, and I need you.”
I then began to walk out of everything I had ever known and trusted. For a year after that experience, I still sought help from the usual suspects — new-age counselors, healers, and the like. I couldn’t understand why nobody would validate that what I experienced was hell. They would say things like, “Oh, what an interesting experience you had. I wonder what it was trying to tell you!” And I felt angry, because I knew I was talking about literal hell. But the idea in new age and psychotherapy is that everything is a part of you, everything can be incorporated into who you are, and nothing is inherently “bad”. So they were all trying to get me to see the “meaning” behind my experience without acknowledging that it was simply, straight-up, evil. This was when the new age began to unravel for me — I started questioning everything I had been taught, and it all began to look very flaky.
(I’ve since learned that Satan loves the new age, since it denies his existence while he’s the one behind it!)
Thankfully, I knew from the 12 Step program that God exists, he’s sovereign, and he’s all-powerful. I knew that he has all the answers, and I don’t. I’d been trained by the 12 Step program to give it all to God — when I don’t know something, when I don’t know what to do, just turn it over to God. Surrender to God. So that’s what I did. I let it go. And I continued to struggle with my same-old struggles — a horrible bulimia relapse that finally landed me in the hospital, suicidal.
I stayed in the psych ward for three weeks. While there, I was stripped of my phone and my belongings, and there was nothing for me to do. I went to the nurse’s station and saw that they had a stack of Gideons Bibles behind the counter. I asked for one, and began to read the New Testament in my hospital room. I had no idea that would be such a powerful turning point.
I recommitted my life to God, which I then thought meant the 12 Step program. But after one particular bad episode (a bulimia lapse in the hospital), I fell to the ground and prostrated myself before him like never before. Something changed. I got up, crawled into bed, and began to read the Book of Matthew. A voice in my head kept saying, “What are you doing? You’re reading the Bible? That is so dorky.” No one that I had ever loved or trusted would read the Bible or call themselves a Christian*. Jesus was a punchline everywhere I had gone. The women I trusted in the 12 Step program were often former Christians!
(I don’t know what that’s about, but it’s something else I have to pray on, because it scares me. Now that I know Jesus, I shudder to think of ever leaving him.)
I left the hospital with no idea what was about to happen. Well, first of all, Covid hit. That proved to be a blessing in disguise because the city shut down and, along with it, my 12 Step meetings. There were still meetings online, but it wasn’t quite the same. Struggling, I was left alone in my apartment with God. I was forced to rely on God like never before, and I clung to him with everything. I began hitting my knees all day long saying, “God, I trust you. Please take over.”
That’s when God began to deliver me of demons. I had no idea what was happening. At first I thought I was having intense emotions. But it wasn’t emotions. It was demons. I have no way to describe it other than demons, because they are demons. Some people say, “How do you know demons are real?” But that’s like asking someone who’s standing in front of the ocean, “How do you know the ocean is real?” I had often been described as a person who “had demons”, but most people understand that metaphorically (in other words, “you’re dark or troubled”). They don’t realize that demons are literal, actual entities.
My life became a constant exorcism, and I had no idea what was happening. I was so scared that I immediately stopped listening to everything except the audio Bible (at that point I had still been listening to new-age teachers and guided meditations). I knew that only Jesus could save me. At first, I couldn’t listen to the rest of the Bible. I just put on “Jesus words” and listened to him.
He became my bread, my water, and my everything. Nothing but Jesus. I had no idea what was happening to me, but I just sought Jesus. I knew, when faced with pure evil and total helplessness, that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I was terrified and had been so deceived, but I just told him, “Jesus, I need you. I’m sorry, Jesus.”
The Holy Spirit began to plant scripture before me — one of the first passages that landed and spoke to me was Mark 16:17 — “And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons;” I thought, “That’s what’s happening to me!” The Holy Spirit was driving out demons! This was happening to me in Jesus’ name before I understood it. I couldn’t explain it; I knew only that I needed Jesus.
Amidst the mayhem, I had a conversion experience. The Holy Spirit had convicted me regarding Netflix, so I’d begun to watch Christian movies on Pure Flix instead. One day, I was watching a scene of a sermon, when a burning sensation came over my chest. I fell to my knees weeping, and in that moment I understood what it meant that Jesus Christ died for my sins (this was something that I had been confused about for years). Shortly after, I got baptized.
The demons were still manifesting round the clock. I was desperately afraid, and the pastor who baptized me gave me Psalm 91 to read. I clung to it and prayed as I wept every day. I knew that the demons I was dealing with were from the ayahuasca — it was horrific, I spent hours and hours a day manifesting demons, and the torment and confusion in my mind were beyond anything that I can describe. I just kept reciting Psalm 91.
Sometimes I would lie there and say, “Jesus is Lord,” over and over. Sometimes the demons would take over me and scream, “Jesus is Lord,” in demonic voices before they came shrieking out of my body. I thought I was losing my mind, but I knew that psychiatry wasn’t the answer. I knew this wasn’t psychosis, but demons.
This is the part that makes me cry — I don’t know how God did this, but somehow he led me to deliverance ministry. I didn’t even know what deliverance ministry was, but God made a way. I went from the depths of despair, agony, and confusion, to finding people on the internet who had been through what I’d been through or had seen others through it.
I found deliverance ministers who knew exactly what was happening to me — I had demons, and I had to kick out the pharmakia demons, and the kundalini spirits, and the fear demons, and all the evil, wicked entities that had gotten into me through all of the iniquity. I learned that, praise God, Jesus Christ is King of kings, Lord of lords (Revelation 19:16), and that his name is the name above all names — that he is all-powerful to overcome those evil entities, and that we overcome them by his precious shed blood. In fact, he already overcame the devil’s works on the cross 2000 years ago! I learned that as a born-again Christian, I have been rescued from the dominion of darkness and translated into the kingdom of his Son (Colossians 1:13) — praise God.
Since beginning the process of deliverance in the name of Jesus Christ, God has delivered me from so much. The first miracle he performed was unstacking the kundalini in me, which had had me on the brink of psychosis. I prayed desperately for deliverance and I received it — he restored my sanity! Thank you, God Almighty.
The process is not always easy or straightforward, but it’s certain in Christ. I’m discovering who I am in Christ Jesus — sane, sober, redeemed, and God-loving. A key passage for me has been 2 Timothy 1:7 — “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I’ve learned that many things that I thought were me were actually demons — for example, fear, mocking, thoughts of death and destruction. These are all cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, praise his holy name!
God created me to be peaceful. The more demons that leave me, the more I get to experience who I truly am as God’s creation — calm and safe. So much of the torment from childhood trauma (which is really generational curses), if not all of it, was demonic. Angry outbursts, fits of rage, spirits of seduction and prostitution — all of these can be driven out in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I am witness to it. They are overcome by the blood of Jesus Christ and by the power and authority in his name. Praise him.
Here are some things that I’ve learned so far from the process of deliverance:
1. Spiritual warfare is part of the Christian life. I’ve learned that demons manifest and come out when we are saved because Jesus Christ bought us at a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). Our bodies become temples for the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), and the demons can no longer reside inside of us (at least not comfortably), so the Holy Spirit goes to war with them to drive them out. I’ve learned that this is a lifelong process — between battling the flesh and battling demons, we are busy fighting the good fight of the faith (1 Timothy 6:12) for the duration of our lives, God willing.
2. Demons are extremely real. A lot of what’s happening in the world and within people’s personal struggles is demonic. Driving out demons was a huge part of Jesus’ earthly ministry and it’s what we’re called to do as believers (Matthew 10:8), but Satan has shrouded much of the modern church in denial of this fact. I owe deliverance ministries my life, and I will challenge anyone who tries to deny their legitimacy. I am living proof that demons are real, and that Jesus Christ delivers us from them.
4. Deception is rampant in the world. My head spins when I think about how influenced and programmed I’ve been by pop culture, secular music, and Hollywood, not to mention all of the new-age influence (and false religion). Truly, the mind boggles, but the most important thing I think I’ve ever learned is to trust God. I am not going to figure all of the confusion out, but God will give me just what I need to know — my daily bread — if I ask him.
5. God’s Word, the Holy Bible, is everything. I mean everything. His Word is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12) and it has power to heal, to save, and to deliver. Moreover, everything is in the Bible! I’m constantly amazed at how foolish I was and how clearly the Bible explains and predicts my folly. In all of my sinning, I thought I was so original. But it turns out that I was a classic daughter of Eve, chasing forbidden fruit and thinking that I was going to reinvent the wheel. I realize now that the devil was laughing at me — but the joke’s on him, because the God of peace will soon crush Satan under our feet (Romans 16:20).
I used to think the Bible was outdated, but it turns out that it is a living fire, explaining everything that’s happening in the world right now and everything that is to come. His Word is sustenance. When I place my trust in God’s Word, I can’t go wrong.
As I said, deliverance is a process. There is more I have yet to be delivered of, but God has healed more than I can describe (since getting baptized, I’ve also been free of bulimia — simply by grace). He’s pulled me back from the ledge of insanity and set my feet on the right path. Now that I’m walking with the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, by the grace of God, I know that I’m going to be okay.
Thank you for reading my testimony. All praise and glory to God Almighty.
May God richly bless you, in Jesus’ name. ✝
If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior you can receive Him into your heart, and He can deliver you from darkness and sin and have your name written in His Book of Life.
If you are sincere you can say this simple prayer to the Father (it doesn’t have to be word- for-word):
“God, I recognize that I have not lived my life for You up until now. I have been living for myself and that is wrong. Please forgive me of all of my sins just as I forgive others. I need You in my life; I want You in my life. I acknowledge the completed work of Your only begotten Son Jesus Christ in giving His life for me on the cross, I believe in my heart Jesus is Lord and was raised from the dead and I long to receive the forgiveness you have made freely available to me through this sacrifice. Come into my life now, Lord. Take up residence in my heart and be my king, my Lord, and my Savior. From this day forward, I will no longer be controlled by sin, or the desire to please myself, but I will follow You all the days of my life. Those days are in Your hands. I ask this in the Lord and GOD Jesus’ precious and holy name. Amen.”